The middle of the night tries to rob my peace! Can’t sleep again, worrying again, uncomfortable again. I am thankful for technology and the fact that I can listen to a Christ-centered message at 2am that can re frame my perspective and in the midst of long quiet nights of learning, prayer and reflection time, I can feel wrapped in peace.
I know that my anxious nights creep in when I allow my tendencies to want full “life” control, when I believe my ways are better than God’ ways, and when I fix my eyes/mind on fear over faith. As Pastor Craig Groeshel outlined in the video message below, we all want (and take) control in some capacity whether it be something small or something as big as life’s timeline.
My graduate school professor, advisor, and mentor, Dr. C.D. Rudebock, has been teaching and reminding me to pause and be still since the day I met her. Even though I have prayerfully worked on this as I’ve grown into myself as a daughter, wife, student, professional, sibling, and mother I realized how often I’ve pushed others away as I’ve acted blindly in the buzz of wanting to control something. At the very least, I am so thankful that since May’s diagnosis it is somewhat easier for me to pause when it matters most so I can make quicker adjustments. I [try to] draw on that daily and it seems to allow the desire for control to drift away.
In terms of my cancer and fear of not being in control of those nasty little cells being annoyingly creepy in my body; I know I am being given opportunity to really pause, find the stillness even when the fears creep in, and stand in faith that what Paul said about Christ is just as true today as ever…
I don’t want to give up control, but I am open to the idea that there is one safe place to put it and that is with our God.
“But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.” Philippians 3:20-21 NLT