May 30, 2016: Balding and Finding an Unashamed Self

5 days post radiation: which was 10 3-piece (full brain, mid back spinal cord, and hip bones) treatments over a 12 day span. Feeling loved through well intended and friendly comments but not feeling the same “me” as before when my reflection is not 26 years familiar. May 30 2016 Balding

Symptoms during radiation were not terrible, just some nausea, headaches, and restlessness but between new emotions and adjustments I thought I knocked the two weeks out of the park and thought the rest would be downhill speed skating.

These past 5 days though have been tougher, with new symptoms that are more uncomfortable (physically and emotionally), visible (super swollen face and belly & have random rashes), and time consuming (…tummy…) during all hours of the day and night. All my symptoms are listed as normal and my doctor team explained that the radiation continues to work even after in person treatments stop so it’s a good thing to know everything they targeted is being zapped by science. That is only somewhat comforting for half of me that tries to understand and research, with the other refusing to care to comprehend how it all works. I’ve literally avoided science my whole life: kindergarten through grad school, and career choice. —
For tonight, we maintain that God is using this 2016 medical technology first in my season of healing so I’ll skip blaming radiation for my sorrows and I’ll get through today like I did yesterday, praising Jesus for the day and the time we have together. My heart hurts for families who lose loved ones suddenly, or experience their children’s health suffer over their own. Those situations don’t come close to ours.
I love spending time online right now following everyone’s highlights that show so much happiness and continue praying with anyone who is feeling alone or hiding in any kind of shameful or lonely place.

Funny thing about my relationship with God right now is I am a huge Christine Caine (one of many powerful Christ centered women who has said YES to her callings) lover and wanted to help promote her new book Unashamed this last month but ended up in first reading feeling like I wasn’t connecting with the message of living ‪#‎unashamed‬ because I felt in my heart that I was GOOD and pretty void of the exampled shames and fears. Hello May 9- to find out I’m living with a rare stage 4 cancer and didn’t know it until my brain swelled randomly 7-12 weeks post baby AND hello today- going bald here!!!!! I have a new appreciation for strapping on warrior sandals and finding a ‪#‎liveunashamed‬ stance against lies of the enemy on what is painful or what is beautiful. It is all finished in what Jesus did for us, so no pain or discomfort will shame me. And it is all written in His plan, not mine, so a bald me will not shame me.

Thank you for believing in me and caring for my updates. I’ll be seeing you all with some more hats and a wig when I find the perfect one!
A special thank you to my mommy Jeannie Kern, sisters Dani Ross-WellsMarie Giles Ross and too good of friends Stephanie HalseideLindsay RubacKaitlyn Bullard who went way out of their ways this weekend to make me feel beautiful through family photos and our perfectly awesome much-needed-we’re-spread-between-3-states family weekend.



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