Another holiday has come and gone and I am lying in the comfort of my home surrounded by the sound of [my] sleeping beauties. I know Bentley is in a heavenly sleep when I hear her purrs over the baby monitor. I can’t think of much more to fill a mama’s heart than listening to a baby sleep soundly. My husband and I have been extremely blessed with a child who sleeps through the night. I know I can become guilty of comparing our family to others and I think “gosh I wish we could go there or do that” feeling sorry for myself that my reality keeps me living a life revolving around a clock of medications and being cautious in all activities. But it never takes long after those thoughts to recognize what a beautiful life I have and how full my heart is with most of my loved ones so close. I close my eyes to try and save this feeling forever.
I know most of you reading this know me personally but then there’s some of you who only know me through someone else. If you’ve read any of my other blogs you’d know I often write about what “we’re” going through lumping others in this thing (stage 4 cancer journey) with me. I suppose it makes me feel like I am not alone and emphasizes my desire and need for community and companionship in general. But most of the time “we” references me and my husband, Adam. And he is who I wanted to write about this weekend as I count my blessings over this holiday.
Without Adam, I wouldn’t know my savior, Jesus Christ. Without Adam, I wouldn’t have such a strong disposition when we sit through doctor’s appointments that render disappointing news. Without Adam, my parents wouldn’t be allowed to comfort me and love on me in the same ways they are able to. He’s stoic, strong, and poised and even when he doesn’t say much I know I can count on him for anything.
This weekend in church we were reminded about God’s perfect plan in the Risen Christ and in that plan was Jesus who had every reason to give up and change the circumstances but the fact is that he chose to finish the race for ME. I am so so thankful for the grace I have. That thought alone has gotten me through a lot of pain this year.
I shutter to think where I would be if Adam gave up on me when there were (and are) a million reasons to choose a different/easier route. Because he’s never given up, I found a relationship with Jesus and in this past year I’ve known who to look for for my reasons to fight, to look ahead, to maintain that I may be healed at any given moment. I have had a million of my own reasons to give up but Adam is there in the most humble and graceful of ways to stand in the cracks so my journey is less burdensome and reminds me where to fix my eyes to get through whatever I am in.
Who are you a reason for?
A Million Reasons
“I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all his worn out leather
I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay”
I love you, Adam.